


Lift your arm

by two2ducks



Category: NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band), WAYV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:13:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22289983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/two2ducks/pseuds/two2ducks
Summary: Ten knows what he is doing when one of his hands disappear underneath Kuns shirt, he knows the exact place where to run his fingers along and a sad smile creeps up on Kuns face. Almost everything that touched it would irritate the sensitive skin, except, apparently, Tens fingers. They felt nice, like they could make the red line magically disappear. It doesn’t tingle, it makes Kun relax. The hand is soon gone, as if there was nothing to find, just confirm._Both soulmates have the same scars and expeirence the same pain. The scar on the one who got it is worse than it appears on the other, same with pain.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten & Qian Kun, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun
Comments: 11
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I suggest you to re-read the tags and then proceeding to read this work.

_Everyone_ has a soulmate.

You might not fall in love with them at the first sight, maybe your soulmate turns out to be the one person who has been constantly taking advantage of your friend or someone who you know has gotten in trouble involving police, maybe you see your soulmate as a bad person who you could never love. But that’s the point of soulmates, right? No matter what, you two can _work it out_ , end up at a great place if you both try hard enough.  
And if not… you can still get something good out of it, or it just takes way more time than you expected to get better and you’re not there yet. 

Or so Kun was told.

And he did believe it, until his _“the one”_ , his first love ever, was captured by two way stronger men than Kun, meanwhile he himself was held by another two and could only watch how the love of his life was struggling to get away twice as hard as Kun was, for a mere second he thought that that’s it, they’re bound to be free and he started to shout on top of his lungs. A sentence, maybe two and there was a hand shutting him and different fingers squeezing his nose, he couldn’t breathe. He could see though, they were _almost_ free, only one hand holding their arm and if Kun could, he would scream to _run, leave, don’t worry about me!_ Maybe if he was older and wiser, wasn’t so greedy about doing the things that, apparently, all teenagers were doing this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe if he didn’t suggest sneaking out during a winter night they wouldn’t ever have to be in such a situation. But he did. Kun did. Kun saw how his soulmate tripped one the side of the pavement, just slightly misplacing their leg, but it was enough, enough to fall down on the road, they slipped on the shiny ice. There was a loud scream, Kun didn’t understand where were all the people, not a single soul on a street, exactly now, _how???_ Kun was ready to gather all his strength and try more, but a passing car was faster than him. Right in front of his eyes his soulmate was literally crushed, the sound of cracking bones, the sound of an engine and that’s it. He would’ve screamed if he could. The hands did leave his face, but it took seconds for something to hit his head and everything’s a blur after that. It hurt, everything was in pain.

-

All mornings are the same, nothing ever changes. Kun struggles to wake up – he goes to sleep late, he doesn’t have roommates to motivate him to do anything, his head hurts every single morning. A pack of painkillers and a water bottle always are on the bedside table like a pair of good friends, Kun takes the medication and rolls over to rest some more, until it does its wonders and he can get through yet another day.

Dress up, skip breakfast again and soothe yourself with _I’ll start eating tomorrow_ , freshen up, head out to university and think about all the times you have messed up and how much you miss your mom and should _definitely_ call her today, later.

Lunch is Kuns favourite time of the day. Firstly, that is the only proper meal he consumes nowadays. Secondly, he likes to order meals that look good and easy enough for him to make someday. Probably on the weekend, when he can stay in his awfully tiny flat, all alone. Good food makes Kun sad. A few years ago he used to bawl his eyes out, when thinking about how much he is going to miss out on cooking for people he loves. But he is over it, partly. He doesn’t cry, but the feeling of saudade won’t leave.

Today - it’s the usual rice, but this time with vegetables and shrimp. He isn’t alone by the table, he can’t be. He needs to know that there is someone for him, even if it’s such a simple gesture as friends having lunch at one table. Kun has more than a few friends, they treat him as a normal human, because he looks like it. He has _never_ considered to be unhappy around them, he is always just like them – open, glad to be where he is, have a plan for future and waiting to meet his soulmate, or pretending to. Kun moved away from home, to a different country, thinking that he could start a new life or at least begin to feel better. He isn’t able to meet his old friends anymore and it does good, he can avoid all the polite pitifulness, at the cost of going home only twice a year. His new friends don’t know anything, so they don’t pay any unwanted extra attention to Kun.

He often gets lonely, his friends can constantly go out somewhere – anywhere, but he rather stays in his room and dreams about how some other Kun in an alternative universe is doing better, so by now his friends think that he is writing a book jokingly trying to compose an album and doing other hobbies that can be considered a piece of art. When he zones out in a lecture while looking at a couple three rows in front of him, someone will tease him about coming up with a new romantic turn for the characters in the book. When he looks how his friends hair falls on their face for too long, they’ll asks if they will receive the painting tomorrow or later. When he stares at their lips and they notice, he gets asked if he will finally let them sing in one of his songs.

Having crushes on all your friends one by one is wrong, finding every single stranger good enough to be your partner is so, so wrong. But what can he do? Kun doesn’t have a _plan_ what to do with his life, because everyones _plans_ have their soulmates in them, there are no examples around him of what to do. He can hope to accidently meet someone who has had the same fate as him, _accidently_ , because he promised not to tell anyone here – he is here because of a scholarship and that’s it. And then maybe something can happen between them, _maybe._

“Earth to Kun! Your food is getting cold!” It’s Sicheng, the first person to welcome Kun in the new environment and not leave him soon after. He was so nice and welcoming through the first months – trying to help Kun with settling down and making him feel like a part of the new city. It didn’t take much and Kun was already cooking Sicheng dinner each time they met. Sicheng has several small, white spots on his thighs, he has told Kun that he got them after he had to go to a hospital and get some strange lumps cut with a help of a surgeon, the scars have been there since he was a child. Sicheng often jokes around saying that he hopes his soulmate tends to wear shorts. 

Kun has a job, he is too old to live off his parents money, so he has to. But not today, today he can take a longer walk home and stop by a grocery store to pick up some snacks for dinner. Exactly this store is a wheel of fortune – one day it may look like the place is on the verge of bankrupting, on the next – like Christmas is going to be tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and also yesterday. That’s why Taeil hates his job here so much, there is no routine to expect. “Hey, you’re just in time! They just baked a pan of sweet pastries!” Taeil extends his free hand, other holding way too many plastic water bottles ready to be put on the shelf. Kun takes and shakes it, not missing the bright red line dangerously close to one of the veins on Taeils inner arm. He got it recently, a customer bumped into him while he was carrying jars of peas and they all fell on the floor, glass shattering everywhere. He was too incautious when picking up the shattered glass and cut himself.  
Taeil is a friend of Sicheng, Kun at first thought that they were together by their behaviour when two are together, but soon was proved wrong – Taeil likes to wear shorts. What also Taeil likes is to sing. Kun has sung with him a lot, especially while being tipsy and sitting in one or others living room in the middle of the night. One evening Kun gave him the lyrics he wrote about Taeil, not mentioning the fact of course, he himself was playing the melody on a synthesizer. The elder liked the song so much, he started to hum it around friends, sometimes repeating a line or two constantly.

On such a route on the way back home, Kun has to take a path through a different neighbourhood. Right past Jungwoos house. He still lives with his parents, but, as much as Kun knows, they don’t mind as long as their son keeps on attending the local university and getting decent grades. They met on a similar day like this – Kun returning home and him coming back from a football practice, Jungwoo called out for Kun, asking if he was the guy who has transferred here not too long ago and going to the same _school_ as him. Kun started to visit the store more often, getting closer to Taeil and cooking more for Sicheng. At one point, when they had started to not only walk home together, but also hang out during the breaks, Jungwoo asked if Kun would like to join him in the practice today, the elder warned his friend that he _knows_ how to play it, but isn’t good at it. The action of Jungwoo asking Kun to go somewhere with him made Kun wonder where he could offer to go together after the practice. But once they had changed into proper clothes and were standing side by side on the green field, one of the guys is front of them, who has been pretending to fight with yet another male, got tangled in his own legs and fell down on his back harshly. There was a loud yelp from afar and a whine from Kuns side, followed by the same voice, Jungwoos voice, shouting a male name in an annoyed tone, only to receive “Sorry, babe!” as an answer and Kun knew that he should head straight home afterwards.

There was also his neighbour – a guy named Hansol, he was older than Kun and saw him as someone who should be constantly taken care of. This one was probably the closest Kun has felt to having a soulmate again. They didn’t have a huge age gap or didn’t live two hours away from each other, neither did Hansol had met his soulmate, so they just had some fun. It was fun for Hansol, for Kun it was dreams about their future together only to realise that at one point the other is going to meet their destinated person and probably put an end to everything they have been having. Kun was beyond nervous to introduce his “friend” to others, just in a case one of his acquaintances turn out to be Hansols soulmate, he finally had someone to rely on and he just couldn’t take it away from himself. But things ended abruptly, one day they were laying on Kuns bed and Hansol was explaining his reason for the sudden move, why he has to return to his hometown, Kun was listening to him and trying his best to be an adult and understand the others struggles, or at least wait until he is home alone again. A week fled past and Hansol was gone, another week and a small family moved in in his flat. Kun was ready not to socialize with anyone for a year, just grief, but apparently he had some luck left in himself as the family turned out to be Chinese and they had a son, five years younger than Kun, who decided to befriend his new neighbours. Kun became his _special_ friend, since with him the boy didn’t have to struggle with speaking in a foreign language. Kun spent a lot of time with him when they just moved, he had little to no time to sulk about his life. They managed to make a strong bound with each other, they’re still friends and neighbours. Maybe it is an apartment where good people live. 

“Are you at home? Can I come over??” Kun isn’t doing anything in particular when Ten calls him, it’s dark outside and he doesn’t know what the other has in mind. It is dangerous to have Ten around him when it’s just two of them. Ten is a friend, not someone who has been there from the start, but one of the best ones Kun has met. Ten has a healed scar on his ribs, Kun also has one now, on the same side - only a little bit higher. It gives Kun thoughts he should not have.

-

At first Ten asked for Kun to come and check out a choreography he has been working on. Tens legs are covered with tons of tiny, blue bruises, his knees and feet tend to be red, sometimes a darker spot appears on his back or side, all from practising too much. Kuns pale legs have a lot of bruises too, caused by iron deficiency, sometimes he’s to absent-minded and hits his side against table counters.  
Tens limbs often ache because of the same reason, if Kun jogs for a longer time he can, too, feel the muscle-ache.

Then Ten asked him if he would like to start going swimming in the local pool, Kun knew he should’ve refused with some dumb excuse, like _I’m allergic to chlorine_ or _I prefer swimming outside_ , but he didn’t. The wrong part of his mind was in charge at a time and the thought of having the chance of inspecting Tens body even closer made him agree to the offer. So now he can check Ten for any new scars every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon.

A month later Kun went out to for drinks in the middle of the week, because Jungwoo was fumingly angry at his boyfriend and Kun was the only one who couldn’t say no to an invite from a pretty boy. He ended up drinking too much, they both did, but the difference is – Kun can’t take his medication when there’s alcohol in his system, so he had to skip the usual morning painkiller&co and try to get through a day with a migraine mixed with hangover. During the lunch he felt like passing out from the pain, but had to keep up the act of the pain being average. That day there were three people by their table – a gloomy Jungwoo, Ten and himself. Jungwoo asked how’s Kun feeling and the elder didn’t completely lie, answering that _his head could calm down with the pain waves_ and something right at that moment changed in Ten. Ten also complained about a headache and the youngest offered some weaker painkillers than Kun takes, but he and Ten both turned them down, Kun doesn’t know why Ten didn’t accept it.   
Later the same day they met in the pools locker room, Ten already changed into the swimwear, sitting on the bench and waiting for Kun to get ready. Ten was rather silent that moment, but Kun didn’t pay much attention to it, he wanted to get in the water as soon as possible, hoping that it might ease the pain. His body was working on its own. Kun had already taken off his shirt, when Ten barged into the stall where he was getting changed and quickly put his hands against the _oh, so surprised_ Kuns cheeks and kissed him right there – in an ugly, dark grey stall, that smells like chlorine.

Then it started to go downhill.

-

Kun has an ugly scar hiding on his scalp underneath a mass of hair. It is the spot where he got hit with a “heavy metal object” as the police said. He was taken to the hospital fast and the stiches appeared without his own consent. When he woke up then, they were there and stung, when he wakes up now, he can’t ruffle his hair without being reminded about that horrid thing on his head. Only a few people have noticed it, most of them being hairdressers and doctors. He doesn’t let people play with his hair or himself rest in somebody’s lap, he can’t risk it, it’s too ugly.

He’s especially anxious when Ten kisses him. Ten currently is the last person who can find out about it. His hands often caress Kuns body when they’re making out, it is not as often as Kun would like it to be, but greediness is never good. Kun always makes sure to be the one in control, so he can make sure that nothing gets discovered. He has told Ten multiple times that he doesn’t enjoy people playing with his hair, but Ten just says that that’s not possible and he should just give in. And Ten is right, but Kun can’t do it.

Ten started to look out for Kun: _did you have breakfast? Did you finish the essay? Suggest me new songs! Aren’t you out of laundry detergent? Don’t forget to take a clean shirt! You should go to sleep now! Don’t forget to set your alarm! See you tomorrow, right?_  
It’s Kuns guilty pleasure. He clearly remembers how it felt when Hansol left. But neither can he stop Ten, he’s already a goner for Ten.

Ten doesn’t tease him when Kun stares at him for too long, when he cooks his favourite meals three days in a row. Ten says nothing, he enjoys it. It’s like he would know how incomplete Kun is and lets him take crumbles from himself, so the elder could fill up the empty holes.

-

The first time they have sex - that is when Kun realises on how much scars and bruises he has missed out on. He asks Ten if it would be okay if he turns off the bedside lamp, so only the light from streets and the night would surround them. Thankfully, the other is okay with that.

Kun _really_ takes his time with exploring every single spot of Tens skin, leaving kisses on each suspicious spot, rubbing his palm over all the scars he can see, he is trying to be as gentle as possible, so there would be no pain caused he couldn’t feel. He pinches his own skin on places where should be a differently-coloured spot, so he could not forget about it until the morning comes. Ten is a squirming mess underneath Kun, repeating that _it is enough, fuck, Kun, stop teasing_. Out of the all people he has met in this city, he couldn’t have imagined that Ten would’ve looked the best on his bed.  
  


When Kun’s finally done with marking his body, he sits up to admire his job.

A pang of wonderful feelings gets pushed to the side by the fact what he is doing.

His bedroom suddenly feels too silent. The heat from his body is leaving, starting from the fingertips, creeping up to his arms and neck. Ten is quicker though, taking his place in Kuns lap, throwing his legs around him and placing his hot hands at the back of the elders neck, making sure not to touch his hair. For Ten it probably is a casual, eager kiss, for Kun it feels like he would have just been given a second chance to live.

The way Tens hands smell like the sweet buns they baked earlier is better than Sicheng ever has, the strength in his thighs is something the man could only dream of. Taeils voice would be ashamed of itself if it could hear the way Ten grunts and moans next to Kuns ear and in front on his lips. Sweaty and panting Ten looks hundreds of times better than Jungwoo in the same state. Ten is too good to be true.

The room becomes truly silent, when Ten falls asleep next to Kun. Kun stays awake, he can’t sleep because his skin feels like on fire from all the small marks left on it earlier. He has to remind himself that there’s no soulmate for him, Ten will leave like Hansol did.

-

Ten sometimes asks if he can stay over for the night. As much as it makes Kun joyous, things just can’t be alright for him. He doesn’t take his meds, he doesn’t want Ten to know that he is not just like other of their friends are. He can’t sleep in the night, he can’t get out of the bed in the morning. Kuns alarm goes off early in the morning, when Ten asked him about it, he easily answered that he tends to go for a run and doesn’t want to mess up his biological clock again. First two mornings it was okay, Kun could sneak a pill or two out of the drawer next to his bed and get up with an excuse that he should start making breakfast, then Ten decided that Kun shouldn’t be the one to always do that and started to get up when Kun did.

As rarely as he does, Kun can’t call his mom when Ten is around. His mother isn’t afraid of mentioning topics that other would try to avoid. Kun doesn’t want for Ten to hear how he’s lying about his life abroad or his mom trying to pry out a least a piece of truth about how is her son feeling, how is he _actually_ doing.

Chenle also doesn’t come over when Ten is here. Kun and him may have an age gap, but nonetheless, the younger is a good distraction from him being miserable with his life. Not that Ten is a bad company, but Kun needs to try hard when it’s about him. Chenle doesn’t care about things Ten does or would, _hell_ , he wouldn’t even notice Kuns nails being orange.

Ten staying over is, again, a chance to keep up with his body. Whenever he changes his outfit, when he throws off a piece of clothing saying that the flat is too hot for his liking, when he asks Kun to massage a spot that has been tense for a few days, when he gets out of the shower while Kun shaves in the same bathroom, when Ten sleeps and Kun doesn’t. Currently Kun is five marks behind.

-

It has been three days since Kun took his last painkiller – he was drinking on the night from Saturday to Sunday, that being one of his worst decisions ever, and the next two nights Ten spent at his place. So, now Kun is sitting on a wooden bench in a cold room which awfully smells like chlorine. Kun tries to collect all of his leftover power and get ready to swim for a _fucking_ hour and then excuse himself with a stupid reasoning and hurry to his safe place, go home.

Temples on the both side of his head hurts, it doesn’t matter to them that Kun tries to massage his forehead in order to make himself better, if he squeezes the skin between his eyebrows with two fingers – it does get slightly better -, but as soon as he stops, the pain is back. Earlier at school he just tried to sleep as much as he could, the professors not minding. Now he has to force himself to do _anything_. Ten won’t be long in the changing booth.  
The utterly chemical smell he has to inhale burns his nostrils as if the skin inside was raw, he hasn’t eaten anything proper today. It feels like he is about to throw up at any second, the stomach cramps not helping the situation. Kun swears to himself that he won’t skip a single day medication anymore, he won’t drink anymore, he won’t go anymore. He needs to get through this hour and then he’ll never sin again.

Kuns body is slumped down, one arm now hugging his own waist, the other hand still working on the head. He wants to fall asleep and not feel any of this, but he can’t. He can’t even go home, what if Ten finds a different person to go to the pool? What will Kun do then? What if Ten stops coming over? Who will Kun cook then?  
The person who’s watching the security cameras is probably looking at the man on the bench weirdly. Kun can imagine how he looks from one of the ceiling corners. _Fucking_ _pathetic._ Even if the staff person doesn’t know what’s going on n Kuns head, anyone could easily tell that the man shouldn’t be here.

“Can you hear me?”

Kun doesn’t pay attention who is talking to him, nor he wants to, all he wants is to get home, “I think I’m sick.” It sounds like he is on the verge of tears, he may as well be, he can’t tell.

“Does it hurt? Your head? Stomach?” There are sympathetic palms placed on each of Kuns knee, someone is in front of him, his eyes still closed and head hanging low. He knows who he is. He shouldn’t see Kun like this, he’ll know.

Kun takes a deep breath, “Sorry, I think I’ll go home.” He opens his eyes and of course it is Ten. Even now, in the position full of back pain that he’s sitting in, Ten looks so small. His skin is nicely tanned, something the elder can only dream of. Ten looks warm while wearing only his swimwear, meanwhile the other is shivering fully clothed. He looks up to Kun, eyes full of pity and worry, and something indescribable behind them, he shouldn’t feel like this, Kun shouldn’t make him feel like this. Kun wants to take care of him, so that he doesn’t feel like that ever, but the roles are swapped this time.

Ten stands up, the heat on the elders legs stays. Kun realises that he just said that he is okay with leaving the other alone, with so many people. Anyone could replace Kun. Ten could run into his soulmate right now. Kuns head hurts even more, he has no clue how he’ll get home without getting in an accident first. Ten also didn’t answer him, the bad day only adding up.

With an exhale, Kun gets up, his bag untouched and unpacked is still by his side. He carefully throws it over his shoulder and rubs his eyes to clear up the vision. Two doors and there won’t be any more chlorine, fresh air is supposed to help. Kun hopes so.  
His legs are heavy, most of the steps his feet aren’t high enough and the sound of rubbing echoes in the empty space.

“Wait. Wait for me. Hey?!” There are steps behind Kun, relatively far, but they’re still there. “Kun?”

The called man stops, so close to the first door on his way to a relief. He barely turns to the side, his aching head doing more. Kun regrets it.

Ten is already wearing pants, what seems on top of his swimwear, his colourful t-shirt in his hands. He says something about getting Kun home safe while trying to find the sleeves of the clothing. He does it rather quickly, keeping on saying some words that run right through Kuns mind. As Ten lifts up his arms in order to get his head through the hole, Kuns eyes immediately travel to the others armpit. There’s a long, red scar starting from the top of it and going down a few ribs. It wasn’t there a day or two ago. It is fresh and probably still hurts, but it’s not Tens, he wasn’t the one who got it. Neither was it Kun.

This one is going to hurt a lot.

-

Kun is standing in front of the only long mirror in his flat, in the small hall. He put it there, so he could check himself out right before leaving his home. He doesn’t really have the time for that, as he prefers to sleep or simply lay in his bed for as long as possible when alone, and then – he’s late. The mirror got really handy now though. The mirror in the bathroom is way too high.

It’s late, around 9 pm, he guesses by the lack of light from the windows. Ten won’t come tonight. Nor will Sicheng, Taeil or Jungwoo. He’s alone again, like it was supposed to be. It’d be funny for Hansol to return right now. Catching Kun sitting on the floor in his ‘hallway’ half naked, only in shorts and boxers, three big towels underneath him, playing a staring contest with his own reflection in the mirror, sometimes eyes trailing lower to admire his body and losing yet another round. He’s passing time. Maybe he is waiting for Hansol or someone to come and burst through the doors and make him snap out of this state.

But nobody does, nobody will.

He hasn’t done anything like this, Kun’s nervous and slightly scared. It’s for a good cause, he has to do it. His arm doesn’t want to move towards the sharp object, as if there was a power stronger than his own, pulling it back to his torso. Small scratches you can make even with your own fingers, a small cut – just drag scissors at a proper angle over and over the same place. Bruises are a joke, you can make them literally with anything – a spoon, a ball kicked against a wall hard enough to hurt you when it bounces – burns are just as easy. But this one… scissors won’t be able to do that.

That’s why here’s a knife in Kuns right hand. It has a black handle, the rest of it is silver, it’s heavy, he has never noticed how actually heavy it is while using it to cut meat or vegetables. He knows how to make the most delicious pork, he knows exactly how to cut meat, and he’s practically the same… meat. _Right?_

Kun gets closer to the mirror, lifting his left arm in the process. There are two thick, black dots he drew on before sitting down, he has to connect them. The dots are far apart and he has little to no clue about the contents underneath the skin between them.

He has to do something now or he’ll back off, Kun can’t allow himself that.

Kun puts the knife back down and hugs his own frame for a second, rubbing his shoulders as if comforting himself, he closes his eyes and thinks about nothing. He should focus only on the work, nothing else or things can go wrong. Kun exhales long breaths and inhales air quickly. It takes a few times and he opens his eyes.

The knife is back in his hand, the left arm is up in the air. The light source is behind his back, so it’s a little bit hard to see thing, but he can see enough. The sharp tip is pointed at the highest black spot. It’s cold against his skin, from the inside Kun is on fire, part of him still fighting back. He presses the very end lowly into his skin, pale and soft quickly turns to red, no blood yet – he has to press deeper. Suddenly, there is too much power in him and the knife barely moves in when there’s a drop of blood running down the blade. Kun stares at it in the reflection – it quickly falls down on his thigh, barely missing the hem of his shorts. His mouth is open, panting slightly, it hurts, but not as badly as thought.

His palm is sweaty, Kun tightens the hold on the handle. Now’s the hard part. He drags the knife down just by a millimetre or two and he has to stop to close his eyes for a second and collect himself. As soon as Kun sees himself again, he drags the knife lower. It hurts, it’d be ironic to say that it feels like someone would be cutting you open, but it is what it is. His breath gets unsteady, sweat leaving his body misinformed about the possible danger, his lips forming in a silent scream. The knife trembles in his has hand, the tip goes in deeper and Kun whines. That shouldn’t have happened. The red liquid sprinting down his side, the wound is small, he doesn’t want to imagine how he’ll look by the end of it.  
Kun didn’t think through if he should take is slowly or do it as fast as possible. When the knife gets dragged even farther, Kun settles for the latter. Small whines and grunts turn into halfway silenced cries, the tears threating to leave his eyes – he can see so little, his vision getting blurry. _Did you really expect to do this without a sound?_

The sudden change of angle by the end of his armpit makes an extra strong pang of pain hit the man. Kun has to close his eyes, he’s crying loudly. There’s not much left, Kun forces his eyes open again. He doesn’t care about weeping loudly, nobody will come anyway.

He wouldn’t be doing this if only he would’ve stayed inside all those years ago. He would probably still be living in China, near his family, at a place he is used the most. He wouldn’t be living in a small flat all by himself, he wouldn’t be living alone. He wouldn’t have to spend money on medication just to function normally. He wouldn’t be worried about his future, about having one. His friends wouldn’t look at him with pity in their eyes. _Hell,_ he could’ve had a family by now if he wanted. Maybe he would have gotten married by now, had those fancy venues you see on the internet, a glamorous suit, a gold ring around his finger. He would have somebody to come home to. Somebody who he could tell everything, finally someone who would know all his secrets. A person who was ready to grow old with him. A soulmate designated only for him.

Kun loves everyone, because maybe, just maybe there will be someone left for him. He can’t miss the chance of it. He can’t miss the chance of being purely in love again. _Don’t I deserve it?_

He comes back when the dots are connected. His ribs, thighs, stomach, hands are covered with blood, all red, some mixed with tears. His porcelain skin all dirty now. The knife drops on the floor with a loud thud, the sound barely muted by the towel. Reflexively Kun goes to wipe his tears away from eyes, realising things too late, now a bloody face staring back from the mirror at him. The look starts a panic in him, Kun tries to understand which of the towels is the most clean and can be used to wipe him off. One is quickly folded and put between the cut and his arm, a different one used to try and wipe his right hand along with his face.

Someone’s knocking on the door.

_Hansol._

“Kun? Kun are you okay? Open the door!!”

Chenle.

It’s bad, everything is bad. Why did he think that this was a good idea?

“Kun?! Answer please?”

If he stays silent enough, then Chenle should go away soon.

“I heard you inside! Open the door, Kun, or I’ll call the police!”

There are three towels soaked in blood, a half red knife, the floor has gotten dirty too, not mention him openly bleeding. Chenle can’t see him like this. What will he think? How will Kun explain this to him? He _will_ call the police. It probably looks like Kun has killed someone.

“Kun, I’m serious! Open the _fucking_ door! I have the phone in my hand!”

The elder bolts to his bathroom with all the towels and the knife, throwing them all in the basket with dirty clothes. Chenle keeps banging on the door, the neighbours can hear it too. Kun takes another clean towel, wetting it with ice cold water and cleaning himself as quickly as he can. There are water droplets everywhere. The blood doesn’t stop flowing, somehow he didn’t expect this. Another towel in the basket, another clean and wet, he presses it against the open wound, feeling as the fabric rubs the overly-sensitive skin, he can barely stand on his own feet. There is no time, Chenle is going to call someone to come and break the door, Kun knows. The wet piece by his side, he rushes to his closet and pulls out an oversized hoodie. He has to get it on even if it hurts to lift his arm and the blood is already soaking through it at some places.

It’s better.

“Kun, I’m not fucking kidding-”

Kun is by the door, the floor is still dirty, his nails are orange again and he feels like fainting. “Yes, I’m here.” He has to rest his head against the cold doors, it’s too heavy, everything is blurry.

“Oh my god!” The boys tone drastically changed from the previous shouting, Kun notices that. “What’s going on? Are you okay?? Please, open the door! I won’t do anything, just unlock it, please!”

As much as Kun would like to think that the scene in the hall doesn’t look that bad, he deep down knows that it will terrify anyone who will dare to step in. But he also can feel how his legs can’t hold him upwards anymore and there are black dots appearing on the sides of what he sees. “You won’t ask… about anything.” Kun puts his hand on the key, “okay?” it doesn’t matter what the person on the other side of the door will answer, Kun needs someone to come to him right now.

“Yes, okay, no questions! I won’t!” 

Kun slides his body to the corner right next to the doors, so Chenle could open them freely. He has barely finished turning the lock when the door flies open. The boy wears an expression Kun sees for the first time in his life, so much worry, he’s scared and Kun can tell. And things are only getting worse when Chenle looks at the floor and the mirror and then at Kuns side. Kun knows that he messed up everything, but it’s too much, he just wants to rest.

His legs give out and he knows that Chenle caught him, then he went to sleep.

-

Chenle hasn’t come over since last week. When Kun woke up the next day, he demanded a spare key to Kuns flat in order to keep his mouth shut. Kun owes his life to the boy. When he woke up his side was covered with white patches, put on as good a Chenle could, the towels were wet – freshly washed, the knife – in the kitchen. The least Kun could do was to make another key and give it to him. So, technically, he could pay a visit anytime he likes. But the main reason for the lack of visits is Ten. Kun convinced him that he was sick last week – that’s why he skipped all lectures, and when the new week roller around, Kun was not perfectly ready to go on with his life like nothing had happened. Ten made himself Kuns personal maid on the spot, now staying with him for the third day in a row.

They’re laying on the bed, it’s not big, but fits two close people greatly. Kun is sleepy, he has been taking his medication properly, lying that it was something the doctor prescribed him last week. Ten, however, has been tracing patterns on Kuns upper arm, not letting sleep get over him. Not that Kun minds the affection, but he can’t fully rest if he knows that something is wrong.

“What are you thinking about?” Kuns voice sounds warm and welcoming, just like his arms wrapping tighter around the other body. It’s dark in the room, but he can still see how Ten adverts his eye elsewhere.

“Can I ask you…” Tens fingers leave the others skin, “something _stupid_?”

A laugh bubbles deep in Kun throat, “Sure.”

Ten still hesitates, a very small part of Kun is getting concerned. Ten sits up, letting go of the elders embrace. “Lift your arm.”

Kun is laying on the injured side, so he is safe or so he thinks.

“No, the other one.”

Suddenly, he is more than awake. He knows how bad the wound looks like, it could compete with the one on his scalp. It’s red all over, some dried blood still not leaving the cut, the skin is almost raw at some parts.

Kun slowly sits up, facing Ten directly. He doesn’t know what to expect, but he’s ready to be denied of love again. He was almost denied of life. And that won’t be his first time. Or probably his last. Kun doesn’t have a soulmate, as much as he wished he did in this exact moment. His left arm is up, the fingertips facing the ceiling, maybe Chenle could find this a good time to see how his friends is doing.

Ten knows what he is doing when one of his hands disappear underneath Kuns shirt, he knows the exact place where to run his fingers along and a sad smile creeps up on Kuns face. Almost everything that touched it would irritate the sensitive skin, except, apparently, Tens fingers. They felt nice, like they could make the red line magically disappear. It doesn’t tingle, it makes Kun relax. The hand is soon gone, as if there was nothing to find, just confirm.  
Ten takes off his shirt as Kun lowers his arm. Kun wonders how Ten will tell him that he knows, what gave everything away. They hadn’t seen each other naked in a week, with Kun not feeling good and not wanting to be greedy. Ten has a beautifully formed torso with a thin waist and wide shoulders. Kun can’t see much in the darkness, but he takes in as much as possible, this may be the last time to do so.  
  


The younger takes Kuns hand, guiding it towards his ribs and slowly choosing which finger to land on the end of his _own_ scar. Point finger it is. Kun knows how the line goes, he drags his finger slowly up and even slower down. Ten doesn’t have an ugly scar, it’s just a line in an even darker colour than his skin. It doesn’t feel rough, it’s smooth unlike Kuns. When his finger is back at the starting point, he pulls his hand back to him and deeply exhales, preparing for the words that will leave Tens mouth.

“Kun…”

The most logical bet would be guessing that Chenle told Ten to stop going to that crazy neighbours of his flat. Maybe Ten was even here while he was passed out. A brief silence follows the mans name. It’s okay, Kun would have to take a minute to process such a serious sentence.

Short sniffles is what makes him look back to Ten. Ten shouldn’t be the one hurting, it’s all Kuns fault. The elder pulls Tens hands away from his face and repositions himself on the bed, so he could hug the latter. Ten easily gives in, snuggling into Kuns chest and suddenly the peace that has been occupying Kuns mind for the past days decides to leave. He can feel his shirt getting wetter and hears how Ten whines now and then. Ten will be better without him, Kun will go back home and never show his face here again. Sooner or later Ten will forget about him. Maybe Hansol also thought that Kun would forget.

A tear manages to escape one of his eyes and then there’s no point in holding the rest of them back, Kun squeezes Ten tighter. God knows, when will he have an opportunity like this again.

Ten must have felt that Kun started crying, as he got up, sitting properly in Kuns lap again, placing his wet palms against Kun heated cheeks. Ten lifts his face up, so he can look into the other eyes, Kun doesn’t know if his own look the same, but the tears make it look like Ten has every single star in his eyes. They were usually so dark, so intimidating.

The younger laughs sweetly, voice strained from crying,

“You’re my soulmate.”


	2. Chapter 2

This time the lunch table is surrounded with people, too many to be honest. They had to put extra chairs around the table to fit everyone, now each person having very little personal space. Kun is squeezed between Ten on his left side and Jungwoo, who clearly doesn’t want to be here. Kun tries to talk to him as much as possible - if he knows only a few people here, then the younger knows even less. Ten, on the opposite, feels like a fish in the water, surrounded by his old friends from school times and friends of his friends, with whom he still gets along greatly. Kun wishes he could get closer with them, but all they talk about are old memories, that Kun wasn’t a part of, so he is just sitting and listening, chatting to Jungwoo. Ten is holding his hand underneath the table, keeping Kun calm and collected, no matter how much he is moving is around, he doesn’t let it go.

Ten showed him a lot of pictures of people who are going to be here yesterday, Kun tried to remember as many as possible, not really succeeding. When he finally met them, some seemed familiar, but recalling their names was a whole different story. He has it all mixed up, there are only three which he is sure off. The man sitting next to Ten, on his other side, is Taeyong, Kun knows it, because Ten keeps on talking to him all the time. Then there’s the guy right opposite Kun, who keeps on kicking his legs under the surface – Johnny. And another one, who talks to Sicheng a lot, Kun hopes he isn’t annoying the latter. Sicheng secretly sent him a message, saying that he’s surprised that humans are able to talk so much, the human being Yuta.

They are already finishing with the deserts and Kun hopes they won’t stay here for much longer. The weather is nice today, but it would be nicer to be taking a middle day nap now, especially after the morning love session, which almost led to them being late to the gathering. Kun rests his head on Tens shoulder, taking a break from showing the chocolate cake in his mouth. Ten doesn’t say anything, just squeezes the others hand in approval of the public affection. Then his shoe gets another kick under the table and only out of curiosity Kun looks at Johnny, who is beaming with happiness, chatting to left and right, not having a second thought of his actions being annoying. Soon the latter notices the eyes towards him and gives Kun a smile that probably means nothing, “You do have very long legs, huh.”

“Oh, thank you!” The sarcasm rolls naturally on Johnnys tongue, “Your legs aren’t that bad either!” Kun thinks about it seriously for a second, he doesn’t have the most gorgeous, toned legs, but Ten often tells him that the elders thighs remind him of tofu. That must be good. “Don’t your knees knock against the table?” Kun asks with a teasing tone.

Johnny pretends to think, “I have special kneecaps to protect them, don’t worry.” Their table shakes lightly, Kun quickly understanding what the other have just done. “See, zero pain.”

Kun laughs and feels Tens head turning towards him, probably wondering what was the reason for the sudden bubble of laughter. Kun looks up, his neck in a slightly uncomfortable position, Ten smiles, Kun smiles back. The younger soon retreats back to the conversation he was having with Taeyong, Kun turns back to Johnny only when he feels a small kick on his knee. “Ouch, I don’t wear kneecaps! Please, respect!”

“Oh, but you should!” Kun sits back straight, mindlessly dragging his legs closer to himself, “They’ll get all red and bruised like Tens!” Kun is still listening to Johnny, reassuring it by looking at him while picking another piece of cake and putting it in his mouth.

“Oh, are you scared of bruises? A bruisephobic? That’s a first!” Kun can hear the low chuckle in front of him as he slices another piece of the desert with his fork. As the utensil nears his lips again, there’s a small movement next to him. Ten drags a long _‘Aaaaaa’_ with his mouth fully open and Kun has to divert his hand towards the other. He guesses that Ten has been eyeing his cake for a while, as he doesn’t even have to reach the others lips – Ten leans forward and hurriedly gets the piece as if it was about to disappear.

The table shakes again, this time with a stronger force, Kuns eyes dart to Johnny again and Ten whines proper words this time, “Johnny!” his mouth is full, but you can’t miss who he was calling out.

“Okay, okay, sorry.” That was made for Ten, “My legs have gotten numb, wanna take a walk?” That – to Kun.

“To where?” He furrows in question, nobody’s leaving yet. Johnny motions his head towards the bathrooms. Kun quickly considers the idea, technically, he doesn’t _need to_ , but you can never be too sure when you _will_. So, he nods his head in agreement and they both get up in unison. Ten shoots him a look, nothing else.

  


-

  


Kun is trailing in front of Johnny, being more familiar with the place and just happening to be in front.

When he opens the door –the room is empty, all he notices is that one of the lamps keeps on flashing, such things usually go unnoticed in this café, he should tell about it to some staff member after this. The next thing Kun notices is Johnnys hands on his shoulders, he can’t still see him, but he feels how he’s being guided towards the opposite wall. The room is not big, it doesn’t take much for them to reach it, the door crashes closed with a sound that echoes in the small space loudly. Johnny turns Kun around, now he can see him, and pushes him into the wall. It slightly hurts his shoulder blades and it makes him exhale sharply.

Suddenly, he’s confused, “Ouch, that hurt by the way.” He didn’t mean the sentence to come out so angry, but there’s nothing he can do now.

“Oh, shut up!” Johnnys tone beats Kuns and now Kun doesn’t feel bad at all, his confusion starting to mix with a fear of the unknown motives. Kun wants to move away from his spot, but Johnny takes a step to the side, blocking his way again. “Listen,” Kun almost wants to nod form the way that the other speaks, that, yes, he will obey and listen. He doesn’t, thankfully, his brain starts to recognize some red flags. “I don’t know what the fuck you have been doing. And, honestly, I don’t care.”

“What are—”

“Didn’t I already tell you to shut up?”

Kuns palms are getting sweaty, he didn’t expect to be screamed at, he didn’t expect anything when coming in here. He truly doesn’t know what he has done, that Johnny changed his behaviour so abruptly. Maybe he should call out for someone, just in a case.

Johnny starts to slowly unbutton his shirt, “I know who you are,” Kun really doesn’t understand what is happening. He just got screamed at and now Johnny is taking off his clothes, _is that a kink?!_ He, has Ten, he won’t do this, but he’s cared to tell Johnny to stop. “… and who you are not, Kun.” Johnny takes half a step towards him, making Kun back into the wall willingly. As much as he would like to think that this is simply a sexual thing, he can’t grasp the idea fully. The back of his head hit the dirty tiles on the wall. “Not gonna lie, I’m slightly impressed.” Johnny is halfway done with the buttons. Kun doesn’t want to, it makes him feel guilty, but his eyes follow the exposed line of Johnnys chest, he also has a nice, tanned body, like Ten. “Especially, with someone like Ten.” _Is he reading his mind?_

Then there’s silence, Johnny doesn’t bother to talk more while working with the buttons, what he does smoothly, already used. But Kun has so many questions, he gulps down the small amount of salvia that has gathered in his mouth, it comes out louder than expected. He has gathered almost enough courage to try and speak up again. His body is getting hot, his head not so clear as it was moments ago, it feels like there’s not enough air for him to talk. Kun takes an extra deep breath in order to finally vocalize something, anything that goes in his mind right now.

“No.” Johnnys voice sounds like an angry teacher, Kun being the failing student, who needs a better grade, so his parents wouldn’t be so angry. “Not yet.”

So, Kun waits until the other leaves the front buttons, letting the fabric fly freely around his torso as he moves attention to the buttons on his arms. Kun shouldn’t be looking, but even the smallest thing about people who give him _any_ attention can turn into something more for him. Johnny has toned muscles, his chest is a smooth, tight surface, then there’s his stomach – covered in strong muscles, which you could probably see through his t-shirt – if he would be wearing one. Even lower is a belly button, connected to the waistband of his boxers with an unmissable line of short, dark hairs. Kuns mouth waters, _this is wrong, so wrong!_ What if Ten comes in and catches them in this situation, how will Kun explain it? Will Johnny be even bothered to? He really shouldn’t be here. Kun is ready to try and escape this place again, hoping that Ten won’t be standing on the other side of the door. He tenses his legs, head still hanging low, arms ready to push him away from the wall. _Now._

“Now.”

Kun has a second to wonder if Johnny really can see what he is thinking. He instinctively looks at the one speaking, staying in his spot. Johnnys shirt is hanging in one of his hands. Then Kun slowly follows up his arm, one shoulder, neck, the other shoulder. Then Kun doesn’t want to look. But neither can he dart his eyes away. Johnnys arm is up and it’s there. Red and ugly, skin still shiningly unhealed in some spots, the old skin around is white from the missing flow of nutrients. It’s deep, long, dark, red. You can’t miss it. Kuns head hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly - sorry,  
> secondly - love talk chinese version > love talk english version

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I binge watched "You" last week and then I had this messed up story in my head and I just had to get it out. I probably shouldn't have lol. Nothing against kunten, they just happened to be the victims when I tried to think of characters who would... fit in? Also, Hansol, sweetie I'm sorry you were dragged into this.
> 
> I also hoped that I'll write it quick and short 3000 words, but turns out I don't know how to do that. 
> 
> AND there is going to be a few more hundred words in the other chapter.
> 
> Also, WayV first anniversary, soft hours open T_T


End file.
